Without regrets
by BlackUnicorn96
Summary: Sirius Black is gorgeous and he knows it, so does Moony and James sees more then he admits. Basically just my take on Wolfstar. Warning: M/M, don't like - don't read
1. 1 Sirius

**Sirius**

He and James sat behind the greenhouse the second week in a row, now.

It had been James' idea, mostly. He was obsessed with the thought of helping Remus. Since we had found out about his 'furry little problem' two years ago, he had spent a lot of time in the library and decided that it would be a great idea for all of us to become Animagi. That had been last hear, this year, however, James had dragged Sirius with him to find out how they could manage that. It was tiring work but Sirius too, was determined to help his friend.

They had taken a lot of books with them and gone outside, for this late at night nobody came behind the greenhouse because it was, in fact, forbidden and if anyone should ever find them here…perish the thought!

Sirius was grateful for James' invisibility cloak because without it they would have never been able to sneak out. Now they sat in the dark with only their wands giving light and read for hour and hours, every night for the past two weeks.

»Look at this James. «, Sirius said and showed his friend a drawing of a red – haired girl that turned into a fox, »Looks just like your Evans, doesn't she? «. I grinned as I saw James blushing. Lily Evans a red – haired girl from Gryffindor, rather pretty and intelligent and absolutely not interested in James, although he had a crush on her for nearly four years now.

»Shut up, Sirius. «

»Did she turn you down again? «, Sirius couldn't help it. It was just too much fun teasing James. He couldn't say that he liked Evans, she was quite annoying because she always thought that she knew better and kept sticking her nose in other peoples' business.

»She didn't – I never - «, James stammered.

»Maybe _I_ should talk to her. «. Sirius said and saw James' jaw dropping. He knew he had gone too far but he didn't care. For months and months now, did he have to listen to James constant swarming over Lily Evans. At least once a week he tried to talk to her or to ask her out on a date and every time she said no and it was Sirius that had to cheer him up afterwards.

»Don't you dare. «, James was really mad now, even with the little light they had, Sirius could see the anger in James' eyes.

»You wanna dare me to something else? «

»What?! What is your problem? «

» _My_ problem? I don't have any, but you…you keep chasing after some obnoxious girl that wouldn't even talk to you. Don't you think you deserve better than that? «

»Don't talk about her like that! Honestly, what is wrong with you? I'm sick of your games Sirius. «

»I don't play games. «, Sirius said and felt a big, fat knot deep in his throat. There was something else, something he had been avoiding for a long time now. They both were on their feet now and their voices must have been carried up to the castle by now but Sirius didn't care about that either. »But if you want me to dare you, I will. «.

They stood face – to – face, only inches away from each other. James' eyes widened.

»Kiss me. «, Sirius heard those words, it was his voice but he couldn't even remember saying them. It was like he watched a stranger and that stranger now stepped even closer to James and James raised his hands and touched the stranger's face. Their lips met and Sirius senses returned to reality. _What the fuck am I doing here?_ He asked himself, James lips where soft and tasted like peppermint.

Sirius drew back, »Shit. «, he mumbled and ran into the dark towards the Forbidden Forest.

He didn't know how long he had been in there but by the time he came out again the horizon already glowed in a golden – red light and the grass was wet of dew. He snuck back into the castle and tiptoed upstairs, using a lot of hidden passages. He arrived at the portrait of the Fat Lady and said the password, before she could give him a lecture. The curtains of James' bed were closed and Sirius could hear soft snoring from behind.

The next day was horrible. Sirius was dead tired, he couldn't concentrate on anything and he felt very (very!) uncomfortable around James. Neither of them spoke of what had happened the night before but they could also not pretend like it hadn't. Sirius caught himself glancing at James whenever he thought the others wouldn't notice. He was confused, or rather he was not and that was even more confusing. He had had girlfriends; in fact, the girls practically threw themselves at him and that was nice. He liked girls, he liked their soft skin, their curves and pretty faces but he always felt like that wasn't enough. He also had always looked at blokes; their muscles and strong behaviour. That of course was a bit confusing, but he did not worry about it too much, but now…He had kissed James, he had _enjoyed_ kissing James, what meant that he was probably not straight, but he also enjoyed kissing girls. He looked at James once again, his hair looked as untidy as ever as if he had just gotten off his broomstick, he followed James gaze and saw Lily Evans with one of her friends, they where giggling and whispering and Sirius felt a sudden wave of jealousy boiling inside of him.

»Is everything okay Sirius? «, Remus looked at his friend rather concerned. »You've been staring at Evens for the last five minutes now and you looked like you were about to kill someone. «. Sirius blinked. »Yeah. I'm fine. «, he caught James' eyes, which gave him a very strange look and then abandoned his dinner to return to the common room, there he sat in front of the fire place and looked into the flames. He knew that his behaviour was ridiculous. James was as straight as anyone could be and madly in love with Lily Evans. And he, Sirius, wasn't interested in him, not like that, anyway.

He looked around, the common room was almost empty, except for two first - year girls that starred at him and blushed embarrassed when he looked back and a guy from fifth year that also looked at him, he, however, did not look away when their eyes met and Sirius smiled. It was his usual smile whenever he wanted something and was determined to get it, it was cheeky, yet adorable and the key to every girl's heart as he had learned; well, apparently not just to the hearts of girls.

The older boy came closer, »May I sit? «, he asked. »Julian, by the way. «. Sirius took his hand, »Sirius and I've got a much better idea. «, Sirius saw something flaring up in Julian's eyes that told him that his guess had been right. They left the common room and Sirius led Julian behind the greenhouse.


	2. 2 Remus

**Remus**

Remus, James and Peter returned to the common room after dinner, Remus went upstairs to their dormitory but Sirius was nowhere to be found.

»Where is he? «, he asked after coming down again and joining his friends on the sofa, looking at James.

»Don't look at me. How should I know? «, James replied aggressively.

»Well, « Remus began, ignoring his friend's bad mood, » He's your best friend and you usually do everything together. «

»Best friend, yeah…well I don't know where he is and I don't care. «

»Geez, did you two have a fight or something? «

»No. «, James answered even more aggressively.

»I'll take that as a yes then. «, Remus mumbled and was just about to ask what had happened when the portrait hole opened and Sirius came in, followed by tall, blonde guy Remus didn't know. They seemed to say good-bye to each other, for Sirius went then to his friends while the other boy watched him go, with a slight smile on his face.

»Who's that? «, James asked, nodding in the direction of the blonde and Sirius looked at his friend, frowning. »Why do you care? «.

»I don't. «. And with that James got up and walked to their dormitory, Remus sighed.

»Honestly, can you just talk about it, whatever it is? You two act as if you were in the middle of some huge marriage crisis. «, Peter let out a small laugher due to that little joke but soon stopped when he met Sirius' look that would have made a Dementor back off. Without any further words Sirius turned around and followed James upstairs.

 _Those two_ , Remus thought, _they have been acting very strange the whole day_.

He did notice that they have snuck out of their beds nearly every night for the last two weeks and of course he wondered what they were up to. He couldn't remember anytime where James and Sirius ever had a serious fight, of course there was a tiff once or twice, stupid things mostly and a day later or so they laughed about it, but this time? They hardly spoke to each other the whole day and when they did it was rarely more than a few words and always in a distant kind of way. _Something must have happened last night._ It was strange indeed, James and Sirius were inseparable since their very first day at Hogwarts. Remus remembered as if it had been yesterday. The excitement, the fear, the joy, it was still there.

The four of them had become friends very quickly and it had gotten harder and harder for Remus to keep his secret, well, a secret. He constantly had to make up new lies about his absence and of course James Potter and Sirius Black would find out the truth eventually.

It was during their second year, Remus had just returned from the Hospital Wing to their dormitory and his three friends had already been waiting for him.

»There you are Remus. How's your mum? «, James had asked.

 _My mum?_ Remus had forgotten which excuse he had used this time, but apparently his mum was 'ill'.

»Oh, she's better, I think…«

»Is she, now? Was she ill? «,

»Nothing serious - «

»Weren't you supposed to be on a funeral? Of your aunt I think, or was it his godfather? Do you remember Sirius? «, he had turned to Sirius who had grinned,

»Not really James, no. Of course it is always possible that the funeral had been last month…«

»Or the month before that. «, James had finished the sentence and Remus had felt three pairs of eyes staring at him.

»Yeah, you know, it's kind of difficult to keep track with where you go off to - «

»Every month - «

»At full moon. «, Sirius had said.

»What? I…er…I…«, he had been lost for words which made Sirius only grin more,

»We kind of know, Remus. «

»Know? Know what? «, it was hopeless, that he had known, _but_ _maybe_ , he had thought, _maybe they've got it wrong. Maybe they don't know._

»About your…furry little problem. «, James had said and Remus heart had sunk somewhere near his feet.

 _That's it._ He had thought. His friends had watched him very closely, waiting for a reaction. »Look, guys…«, Remus had begun. »I will talk to Dumbledore, okay? You won't have to spend one more night with me in the same room, I promise. Just don't - «.

But James had interrupted, »Whoa. What are you talking about? Do _you_ know what he is talking about? «, he had asked Sirius, who had shaken his head, »Not a clue, James. «, and Remus hadn't either, »What? What are _you_ talking about? «.

Sirius had sighed, »Remus, this is us, telling you, that we don't care. We don't have a problem with it. «.

Remus had blinked, »You – you don't? «, he really couldn't believe it.

»No we don't. You're a werewolf, so what? Not everyone's perfect. «, James had said.

»Exactly, James right. We're friends remember? You'd have to try harder to get rid of us. « and then he had smiled his 'I'm Sirius Black and I'm gorgeous' – smile, which he had perfected by then already.

»I – I don't know what to say. «, Remus had told them truthfully, that might have been the best and happiest moment in his entire life. James too had given him a big smile, »You don't have to say anything except, maybe, that we are the amazing, although that wouldn't be any news. «. Remus had laughed, _that is true,_ he had thought, but still…

»You're not gonna tell anyone, are you? I mean - «

»You're disappointing me. We might not be as brainy as you are but we are not stupid either, are we Peter? «, Sirius had asked Peter, that had been silent until then, »Yes we are…I mean, no we're not…I mean - «,

»I think, what Peter is trying to tell you Remus, is that we will of course not tell anybody. « James had said and after that they had played a party of Wizard's Chess and the topic had not come up, until the next full moon.

Dwelling on those memories now, it seemed even sadder that James and Sirius were not speaking to each other. I looked down on my watch. It's been half an hour now, since the two of them had gone upstairs, if there was anything to sort out they must have done that by now and if they haven',t then there was nothing to sort out. Remus got up, told Peter that he too would go to bed now and went upstairs but waited a heartbeat or two before he actually opened the door to their dormitory, everything seemed quite and peaceful, maybe that was a good sign, maybe not. When he had finally entered the room, James and Sirius sat on James' bed and red a book together like nothing has ever happened. »Hey, Remus. «, they greeted their friend without looking up from the book.

Remus blinked, _really,_ he thought, _those two…_


	3. 3 Sirius

**Sirius**

He wasn't quite sure why he went after James but something told him that Remus was right, hey _had_ to talk about it. He entered the dormitory and found James sitting on his bed, apparently waiting for him. At first they just looked at each other and Sirius had no idea what to say, fortunately James made the first step, »I've found a book that might be useful. It describes pretty good what we have to do to become Anmagi. «.

Sirius nodded, that was not exactly why he came here.

»Good. « he said. »Listen James, I'm sorry about last night. «,

»Yeah, me too. «

There was an awkward silence and Sirius tried to think of something to say, »Right, so…I think I will just get a shower and then we can have a look on that book okay? «, he asked. »Okay. «, James answered and Sirius turned away to leave but James held him back,

»Why did you do it? «, he asked quietly and Sirius turned back again. James did not look at him, but seemed to have an immensely high interest in his fingernails.

Sirius shrugged, »I don't know. I just felt like it. «, he answered.

»You're not…I mean…are you…«, James took a deep breath and looked up, »I don't care if you're into guys but I mean…I'm not…I mean we can't…«, his voice failed but Sirius understood anyways, »I know. It's not like I fancy you. Or well I do, probably, you're good – looking and everything but that's it. You're my best mate and that's it. «.

»So, we're cool? «

»We're cool. «

And it was. And everything seemed to be back to normal, James gave him a cheerful smile and Sirius smiled back. »So, I'll just have that shower, shall I'? And then we can see what that book says you've found. «. He went out of the dormitory and thought about what he had just said to James, _You're my best mate and that's it_. It was true, James was Sirius' best friend, even more than that, James was Sirius' first friend ever and even if he might have a slight crush on him, he did not want to change their friendship for anything in the world.

After the shower they sat together on James' bed, heads over a book from the Restricted Section of the library, when Remus walked in. He seemed startled when he found his two friends together like this; Sirius couldn't blame him. _I must thank him some time,_ he thought, _I would have never put up the courage to talk to James, if it hadn't been for Remus._


	4. 4 Remus

**Remus**

It was a few months after the mysterious fight between James and Sirius that Remus sat in the library, reading and Sirius came by, » Hey Moony. «, Remus blinked, there was something incredibly wrong with that picture.

»First of all, who is Moony? And second of all, what in Merlin's name are you doing in the library? You never come here. «. Sirius seemed kind of nervous, was that even possible? The great Sirius Black, nervous? But he grinned, »Yes, Moony. Don't you like the name? I think it suits you, with the moon – thing and all. «,

»Right, I suppose. Still, what are you doing here? Surely you didn't come all the way to inform me about my new nickname. «,

»Clever as always. «, Sirius said and sat down on the chair opposite to Remus. »I kind of wanted to talk to you…«. He paused and Remus waited. It was rare enough that Sirius actually wanted to talk properly to anyone about anything and he did seem serious.

»D'you know Jeff, from sixth year? Big, hunky Ravenclaw, dark hair, blue eyes? «,

»Er - «, Remus said. He thought about Sirius' description. »Might have seen once or twice…what about him? «,

»Well, we were kind of seeing each other lately…«, Sirius continued.

»Okay, so? «, Remus blinked, he just realised what Sirius had said. »Wait. What? Are you telling me that you've been sleeping with that Jeff? «.

Sirius seemed to need a moment to think about that, »Yeah, I suppose I am. «.

»Right. I didn't know you're interested in guys. «

»Well you do now. I just told you, didn't I? «

»Right, « Remus said again, he didn't quite know what to make of that. »I can handle that. «

»Perfect. So, Jeff and I have been seeing each other, kind of, and it was really nice and I even started to like him a bit and he said that he liked me too and then yesterday, precious Jeff suddenly remembers that he has a girlfriend and that we can't see each other anymore. «, Sirius seemed properly shocked about that, although Remus still didn't see his point.

»Sorry to hear that. He hurt you? «, he asked, unable to think of anything better.

»Yes! «, Sirius cried out loud. »Not my feelings, obviously, but I mean, I'm Sirius fucking Black! «.

Remus looked at his friend, motionless. »Sirius, I don't quite see your point I'm afraid. Why are you telling me this now and here? «

»Well, since you are my best friend, after James, no offence, and you're all responsible and clever and stuff, I wanted to warn you, for there might be some trouble at dinner tonight. «

»What have you done? «, Remus asked, now highly alarmed.

»I haven't done anything, not yet, anyway. «

Remus sighed, »Okay, you know what? Don't say it. I don't want to know. Because if I did, I would have to try to stop you, because I'm all responsible and clever and stuff and we both know that that is never a good idea. «.

»You're an angel Moons. «, Sirius said, now grinning even more. Remus knew that grin and it never meant anything good.

»So, what about you? «, asked Sirius.

»What about me? «

»Well, last I checked I didn't know of any dates of you. «

»Yeah, that's because I've never been on an actual date, as you very well know. «

»Isn't there anyone you fancy? «

Remus never had given it much thought until now, _was_ there anyone?

»No. « he answered slowly. »Not really. I mean I know attractiveness when I see it and I acknowledge it and everything but it is not like I'm _interested_ in those people; not sexually anyway. «. It felt strange for Remus to talk about that, especially to Sirius who, normally, couldn't say two sentences without cracking a joke.

»Okay. « Sirius said and Remus frowned.

»Okay? That's all? No stupid jokes, no embarrassing attempts to set me up with someone? «

»No. I believe that you are perfectly capable to find someone you like on your own. «

»Right. Thank you. «, he couldn't quite believe that he just had a conversation about his love life with Sirius Black and, which was even scarier, that Sirius hadn't made one joke until now.

»Anyway, I'm off. So much to do, you know. People to hex, pranks to plan and I have to make some preparations before dinner. «, and with that he dashed out of the library.

»How can you put up with him? «, a very familiar voice asked behind Remus' back and he startled. Behind him stood Lily Evans, he met her in the library quite often and they had started learning together. Remus liked Lily quite a lot although they almost never spoke of anything personal, for he knew that she wasn't exactly fond of his friends. In fact, it was the first time she mentioned one of them, ever.

»Sirius is alright once you got to know him. «, Remus said, in order to protect his friends.

Lily let out a snort, »I think I'll pass, thanks. «. She didn't seem angry, it was just her opinion of James and Sirius and Remus admired her a bit for that, she always stood her ground, no matter what.

Her smile faded and she looks at him, worried, »Are you okay Remi? You look pale. «.

And he must have gotten even paler after that remark. It was only a week till full moon and he always looked slightly ill around that time of the month. Lily now sat down on the very chair Sirius sat before. She lowered her voice, »It's the moon isn't it? And don't lie to me. « she added in a demanding tone. »I know, okay? And I just want to tell you, that I don't care, you could have talked to me instead of keeping it a secret. «

»I hardly know you. «, Remus said and regretted it at once. He didn't mean to say it, it had just slipped out but Lily didn't seem offended; she smiled, like always.

»That's right. But maybe we should change that. «

And he smiled back.


	5. 5 Sirius

**Sirius**

He stood in front of 12 Grimmauld Place, a handsome, fifteen - year old boy in black jeans and a black leather jacket; next to him lay a big trunk. Sirius sighed, there was no use, he had to enter the house eventually and his mother would probably already wonder where he was, for she hated it when he was late, in fact she hated anything Sirius did.

Reluctantly, Sirius opened the door and stood in the gloomy hallway. For one second he actually thought no one had noticed his arrival but soon he heard his mother's voice from upstairs, »Sirius, you lazy, worthless scum. Come up here now! «. Sirius closed his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath but then did as his mother told him to; he found her Sirius' room.

»I am also happy to see you, mother. «, Walburga Black shot him an angry look.

»Where have you been? Your brother arrived an hour ago! «, she said with an accusing voice.

»I am sorry but I didn't know Regulus had gone home. I was looking for him. «

»Liar! «, she screamed and slapped him in the face. »Now, clean up your room! «. She rushed out and left Sirius alone in his room, his cheek burning.

»I'm sorry. «, said a soft voice behind him, Sirius turned around and saw his brother standing in the door. »I couldn't find you anywhere on the platform so I thought you had gone home alone. «.

»It's not your fault. «, Sirius gave his brother a smile, they weren't exactly close but they both agreed that their mother was a bit over the top sometimes.

»It's good to see you 'though. «, Regulus said and went downstairs.

Sirius closed the door of his room and looked around, everything was exactly as he had left it last summer. The posters of muggles on the walls, the chaos on his bed, the boxes under the bed. He knelt down and picked them up, then he sat down on the bed and opened one of the boxes. Inside was stack of photos. Some showed him with James, another him with Remus or his three friends together but he was looking for a very special photo. When he finally found it he let the box drop down on the floor and looked on the photo on his hand; it showed eleven – year old Moony, sitting on a big pile of snow and laughing. Sirius smiled at the thought of his friend. It had been during their first year at Hogwarts, their first Christmas together and it had been the best Christmas for Sirius as long as he could remember. Snow had been falling, they had gone outside for a snowball fight and after that James had took that very photo. Sirius' thoughts drifted further away; a view weeks ago he had told Remus about his 'affair' with Jeff and he had been very relieved, to find that his friend apparently didn't care about his sexuality. It had been incredibly nice to talk to him about those things because although James was his best friend and they shared everything, he couldn't bring himself to actually talk about his feelings with him but with Moony that didn't seem to be an issue. It had been just before _the incident_ had happened. It was only one in a long line of incidents that happened around Sirius, although it was usually not just him but James and Sirius that played the pranks. That time, however, Sirius was completely responsible for that very irresponsible joke. He knew that he shouldn't have done it but in that very moment it had seemed justifiable, almost appropriate. Jeff had hurt his feelings, although Sirius couldn't bring himself to admit that. He had really liked the guy and when Jeff had told him that it was over he had overreacted, probably. Jeff had stood in the Great Hall right next to his girlfriend and Sirius had walked up to them and then he had just kissed him, right there in front of all of the students. Now the entire school knew that the great, irresistible Sirius Black was interested in boys and Sirius had secretly hoped that the news would also reach his parents, to give his mother a reason to throw him out.

 _Knock, knock._

Sirius started up from his thoughts. »Come in. «, he said and even before the door opened he knew that it couldn't be his mother for she would never knock but rather storm in and complain why the door was shut. Regulus closed the door behind him after he had entered.

»What do you want? «

»I haven't told mum, you know…«, he said, looking uneasy.

»Told what? «

»Well about you and…about you. «, Sirius' little brother blushed slightly, apparently expecting an angry reaction from the other boy.

»Oh. « Sirius just said. »Well, you should have. «

»What? «, Regulus looked outright confused now. »Why? «

»Would have made it easier, don't you think? «

»She would throw you out. «

»Exactly. I don't belong here Regulus, you know that as good as I do. «

»I don't want you to go. «, Regulus said in a very low voice and suddenly Sirius realised that Regulus was still his little brother, only thirteen years old and definitely not able to deal with their mother on his own.

»Well, looks just like I'm not going anywhere yet, doesn't it? So, don't worry. «

Regulus nodded, told him that they soon would have dinner and then he left. Sirius remained on his bed and his thoughts wandered back to Moony. It was strange, he just couldn't keep him out of his head. He took another look on the photo and then picked up a more recent one in which he stood with James and Remus in front of the lake. Finally, he shook his head, in order to think of something else and started to tidy up his bed so he could actually sleep in it.


	6. 6 Remus

**Remus**

It was the first full moon during their fifth year, school had started only a couple of weeks ago and his friends have been acting very strange lately, not that they had ever been not strange but this really set up a new record. They stayed out until late, there was whispering and mysterious notes and every so often when Remus entered a room, his friends fell silent all of a sudden. Now he was alone in their dormitory and preparing himself for the following night, he was disappointed in his friends because they left him alone, although they knew perfectly well that he appreciated every sort of distraction he could get. The sun sank lower and lower and Remus felt the wolf inside of him, Moony, rearing up. He started pacing up and down the room, restless. Suddenly the door opened and James and Peter came in, »Hey Moony, we came to get you 'cause we've got a little surprise for you. «, James announced and dragged Moony out of the room. He tried to ask what was going on but James just said, »Shh, you'll see. «, and went on. They nearly ran over Lily as they went out of the common room and she threw a weird look at them, silently asking, »What's going on? « but Remus could only shrug. They went outside at the edge of the Forbidden Forest and Remus could see a tall, black dog sitting in the shadow of the trees.

»Here we are. If I may introduce you to Padfoot. «, James said and pointed at the dog, which wagged its tail in excitement.

»Padfood? «, Remus asked, frowning.

»Exactly. Isn't he sweet? «, the dog barked as if he disapproved of that description and Remus took a closer look at him. He was indeed huge, with long black fur and grey eyes. Remus paused, he could have sworn that there was something strangely familiar about those eyes.

»James, what is this supposed to be? « Remus asked. He waited but there was no answer.

»James? «, he turned around but James and Peter were gone. Instead there was a stag standing in the grass, majestic and beautiful, next to him sat a rat, looking at Remus with its big, watery eyes. »What the - «, Remus began, but a voice behind his back made him jump.

»This, my dear Moony are Prongs and Wormtail, at your service! «, Remus looked at Sirius in sheer disbelief.

»What? How -? Where is -? «, he stammered and Sirius laughed. It sounded more like a bark than a laugh and those eyes…Remus shook his head, no, it couldn't be.

»Moony, Moony, Moony…for being such a genius you are quite clueless sometimes. «

»We thought we'd do you a little favour. «, said James, who suddenly showed up behind him again.

»You didn't…you couldn't…it's illegal! «, shouted Remus as he realised what his friends had done.

»Oh, is it, now? Bugger, that must have slipped our minds. «, said Sirius with a grin.

»But, you can't do that. «

»Remus, I understand that this is a quite extraordinary situation so I forgive you that it might have slipped your notion that we already did, obviously. «, said James, now stepping in front of Remus.

»I – I don't know what to say. «, Remus said and he had the strange feeling that he knew this very situation perfectly well and he also knew what James would say next.

» You don't have to say anything except, maybe, that we are amazing, although that wouldn't be any news. «. They all laughed and Remus felt like a huge weight had been taken away from him, his friends had broken the law for _him_ , to help him and to make those nights in which he wasn't himself more bearable. He felt tears rolling down his cheeks.

»Now, don't cry Moony. This is gonna be fun. «, Sirius sad and lay an arm around his shoulder.

Madame Pomfrey brought him to the Shrieking Shack as usual and there Remus waited. He felt nervous like he had been when he had had his first transformation at Hogwarts. He didn't have to wait long for his friends to come. They had never been to the Shrieking Shak before and where quite shocked when they saw the state of the walls and the furniture.

»Oh my – Moony. Did you do all that by yourself? «, Sirius asked. Remus nodded. They didn't speak much until Remus felt his wolf awakening.

»Transform, now! «, he said and then it began.


	7. 7 Sirius

**Sirius**

It was scary.

Sirius had read all about werewolves and therefore also knew some things about their transformation but actually seeing your best friend turning into one was something completely different.

»Transform, now! «, Moony sad and his face mirrored sheer pain, he bent over, groaning. Sirius had to fight really hard against the impulse to run to Moony for help; he couldn't help him, not yet. But still, seeing him like this hurt. It felt like hours until a fully grown, huge wolf stood in front of them, eying them suspiciously. Sirius held his breath, they had agreed not to do anything until Moony had made the first step. The wolf let out a soft snarl and then stepped forward. His eyes were fixed on Padfoot and Padfoot showed himself submissively. Moony examined Padfoot very closely and came apparently to the result that he was no threat whatsoever. He gave Prongs and Wormtail only short looks and then it was over.

The four of them played around and Moony seemed delighted to have friends. He took a very special interest in Padfoot and soon wouldn't let anyone near him.

They left the Shrieking Shack and walked the school grounds, going deep into the Forbidden Forest, around the lake and near Hogsmead. Sirius didn't remember having so much fun for a very long time, having a werewolf with themed proved a lot easier that they thought, for Moony only had eyes for his pack. They were out the whole night and the moon was already setting when they returned to the Shack. Once they were there, Moony curled up on the floor and fell asleep immediately. Sirius, James and Peter resisted the urge to lay down next to him and sneaked back into the castle.


	8. 8 Remus

**Remus**

Remus felt a strange weight on his chest when he woke up. With is eyes still closed he tried to feel what it was and suddenly grabbed into smooth fur. Remus opened his eyes, very, very close to his face was a pair of grey eyes staring directly into his.

Remus groaned, »Padfoot, what are you doing here? «, but instead of an answer Padfoot licked Remus' cheek. »Whoa! Did you just lick me? «, he asked now wide awake. Padfoot barked and Remus took that as a 'yes'. Remus couldn't help but smile, he relaxed and tickled the dog behind his ear, which he seemed to enjoy.

Remus felt strange, somehow _changed._ Something had been different to his other transformations although he couldn't say what, or not jet anyway. But of course that could also be because he was still worn out from the last night and it was the first time that he woke up with a dog on his chest. _Don't worry,_ he told himself, _quite soon Madame Pomfrey will be here with –_ he startled, Madame Pomfrey could be there any minute!

»Shit, Sirius, Padfoot, you have to go! Madame Pomfrey, she - «, he stopped. The dog on his chest was gone and Sirius lay next to him, his head on the very place where Padfoot had been, only seconds ago.

»I know. «, Sirius just said but he did not move. Remus blushed slightly, it was a weird feeling Sirius' head on his chest, yet very comfortable.

»We'd both get into trouble. «, Remus said, trying to ignore his racing heartbeat.

»I know. «, Sirius replied, now with his usual cheeky smile on his face.

»We wouldn't want that, would we? «

»Wouldn't we? «

They heard a sound from downstairs and Sirius cursed, then he grabbed the Invisibility Cloak, which he must have nicked from James and crouched down in a corner. Madame Pomfrey came in to see whether Remus was alright and to bring him a big bar of chocolate. They went up to the castle again and Remus lay down in his bed for some more hours of sleep.

 _He was five, playing outside the house of his parents. It had been a sunny, lovely day, the air was still warm as the sun slowly set. His mother was inside the house taking a nap and daddy was still at work and he, Remus, played with his dad's chessmen in the grass. He wasn't even allowed to take them because his dad sad that they weren't for children to play with but Remus liked them, he would put them back later. Far behind the forest he could see the moon rising, pale but full._ Snap. _Remus looked up. Nothing._ Snap. _He got up and walked towards the trees, very slowly, he was sure that he had heard something, maybe a cat or a dog. Remus liked animals and he was sad that his parents didn't allow him to have any._ Snap. _A pair of glowing, yellow eyes starred at Remus. He heard a growl, long and deep and he froze. Slowly, very slowly, Remus took a step backwards._ Snap. _He had stepped on a small branch. He didn't dare to breathe. The growling was closer now, he could see the eyes more clearly, horrible eyes full of hate and hunger. The creature jumped –_

Remus woke up with a start, his heart racing, his shirt wet of cold sweat.

»Moony, are you okay? «, Sirius had sat on his bed and was now rushing over to Remus.

»Yeah…No…I don't know. «, Remus answered, trying to get his head clear. »Nightmare. «, he added. Sirius sat down next to his friend and looked at him, worried.

»It's him isn't it? Greyback. I heard you saying his name. «.

Remus nodded and Sirius lay his arms around him.

»It was just a dream. He can't hurt you anymore, I won't let him. «

Remus gave him a weak smile but didn't say anything. It felt good to be so close to Sirius, his arms were wrapped around him, tight, yet gentle. He smelled like woods and earth and Moony recognised the dog from last night in him. Remus relaxed, closing his eyes he laid his head against Sirius' chest and enjoyed the boy's hand stroking though his hair.

»It's okay. «, Sirius whispered. Remus opened his eyes, they were so close – with a loud noise the door was thrown open and a soaking Peter came in, not taking any note of his friends. »Merlin, Peter. What happened? «, Sirius asked, he had let go of Remus and stood up.

»James happened. «, Peter just said, grabbed some fresh clothes and went to the bathroom in order to take a shower. Remus and Sirius looked at each other, both trying not to laugh.

»Right. I think I will just go and see what James has done. You alright? «

Remus nodded. He didn't want Sirius to go but he also didn't want to know what might have happened if Peter hadn't come in.


	9. 9 Sirius

**Sirius**

What the hell was wrong with him? Sirius would have loved to punch himself.

He went out of the dormitory to find James but really that had just been an excuse to get away from Moony. Deep in thoughts he went downstairs to the common room. They had been so close. So close. Sirius swallowed. That certainly wasn't good. His brain was just playing some sick joke on him, he _couldn't_ have feelings for Moony. That was just not an option. But then again, something had happened last night. Something he couldn't explain, not even to himself.

He found James sitting in front of the fireplace, doing the usual, staring at Lily Evans.

»Hey Prongs. «

»Hey Padfoot. «

»Say, _what_ have you done to poor Wormtail and _why_ didn't you tell me about it? «

»Oh, you know, that was just a bit of water and about the why…well, you seemed pretty occupied with watching Moony in his sleep. «, he said and Sirius chose to ignore the strange look James gave him.

»He had a nightmare. «, he replied instead.

»Oh. «

»About Greyback, I tried to comfort him a bit. «

»Right. «, James had gone back to watching Evans and Sirius felt a sharp sting of annoyance.

»You know, I can go, if you prefer stalking a girl that wouldn't even say hello to you. «, finally, that caught James' attention.

»Are you jealous? «, he asked, frowning.

»You wish. «

James sighed.

»I'm sorry Pads. I just have a feeling that this year, she might finally say yes. «

»I admire your faith, my friend, but I wouldn't get my hopes up too much. «

»Oh, shut up. «

»Will you two stop fighting? «

James and Sirius turned around and saw Remus standing right behind them; he still looked a bit tired but not nearly as much as he usually did after full moon.

»Moony, «, James seemed relieved to see their friend. »How do you feel? «

»Fine. «

»Great. Because I've got a _genius_ idea! Now, listen... «


	10. 10 Remus

**Remus**

»I _really_ don't have a good feeling about this. «, Remus said, as he and Sirius crouched down in a very small broom cupboard in the Entrance Hall, waiting.

»Your feeling will be right if you don't shut up now. «, Sirius hissed.

It had been James idea, or actually it had been Peter that had given James the idea in the first place. That little 'accident' with the water had reminded James that it would be totally funny to set up little dye – canons all over the Great Hall, they had hexed them so they would start firing at a time when most students would be at breakfast. That itself had been easy, attaching the canons in the Great Hall proved to be more difficult. James had chosen Sirius and Remus to do the job, while he would take care of the necessary distraction somewhere far off from the Great Hall. And they waited. It must have been a few minutes after midnight when they heard dulled noise.

»That's it. Let's go. «

They rushed into the Great Hall and started working. The plan was, to attach the canons at the walls so everyone would have a chance to be covered in Dale Dicksons' Deep Dye which lasted 24 hours, could not be washed off.

»Done. «, Sirius said in a victorious voice, and they hasted out of the Great Hall. The whole castle was silent and Remus began to wonder what had happened to James. They used several hidden passages as they made their way back to the common room. They were just somewhere on fifth – floor when they heard steps. Remus shot Sirius an alarming look and they hurried down the corridor, looking for a place to hide. They found an open door and quickly got in the room, listening to the steps getting more and more quite until they faded away eventually. Sirius and Remus turned around to lean against the door in relieve when they nearly started screaming.

»Well, well, well. « Mrs. McGonagall stood in the middle of the room, looking at them very disapproving. »I assume that it was you that let the water pipes explode? «.

They didn't answer.

»Let's see. That is fifty pints from Gryffindor each and tomorrow you will clean up the mess you have caused. And I must say I'm surprised. Mr. Black I'm quite used to you causing trouble but you Mr. Lupin, I thought you were more reasonable than that; but now, back to bed! «

They didn't argue, for they would have got detention anyway for being out of bed in the middle of the night, so they might as well take the blame for James' distraction and they couldn't be blamed for the dye – canons.

»Well, that wasn't too bad, was it? «, Sirius said cheerfully as they got back to the common room. Remus gave him an angry look. »Well, maybe it was, but still you don't have to be angry with me, this was not my fault for a change. «

»I know and I'm not angry with you. I'm angry with myself for agreeing to it in the first place. «

They entered their dormitory and found James and Peter wide awake in their beds.

»And? «, Peter asked excited. »How did it go? «

»Quite good until the point at which McGonagall caught us on our way back. I mean, really James? Exploding water pipes? «

James gave them an excusing smile.

»I didn't want it to look like I actually did it. I would never do such a trivial thing. «

»Well we can clean it up for you tomorrow. «

»Sorry. «, James said, although he didn't look sorry at all.

They all got changed and went to bed and soon Remus could hear his three friends snoring but he lay awake for several hours thinking about Sirius.


	11. 11 Sirius

**Sirius**

Remus and Sirius stood in the door of the boy's toilets on fifth floor. The whole room was flooded with water and one of the walls had a big hole which showed several pipes, most of them broken.

»Eww. Please, remind me of this, the next time James has one of his 'genius' ideas. This is gross. «, Sirius said, with a disgusted look on his face.

»As if you didn't enjoy yourself last night. «, Remus replied with a smile.

»And you didn't? «

»I'm not gonna answer that. «, he said and began to wade through the water to pick up the broken pipe – parts. They worked in silence except for Sirius' occasional remarks.

»Merlin's holy socks, this looks like someone's tried to flush their underpants! «, he said, holding up a dripping, grey piece of cloth.

»Put that away Sirius. «, Remus said.

»You're right. «, Sirius answered and threw the underpants across the room; if Remus hadn't half expected something like that he wouldn't have been able to duck in time. The cloth smashed against the wall behind him.

»You - «, Remus began, took the mop in his hand to fire back.

They ran and jumped all across the room and the water splashed every time they tried to avoid a thrown cloth, their clothes were soon soaking wet. Laughing and struggling for breath they hurried out of the toilet to return to the common room.

»What the hell? What happened to you two? «, James asked, as they entered their dormitory. »Aren't you supposed to clean up the toilets? «

»Well we did. « Sirius answered, taking his shirt off. »But then Moony decided to throw a mop at me. «

»You started it. «, Remus complaint.

Sirius gave him a smirk and continued to undress. James, still laughing, left the room and suddenly Sirius realised that they were alone. Alone and half naked. He looked at Remus' back, scarred with old wounds and cuts. His mouth felt strangely dry, Remus back muscles flexed as he took off his shirt and looked for a new one.

»Pads, have you seen my other red shirt? «, he asked, turning around. »Pads? «

Sirius swallowed and tore his eyes away from Remus bare chest.

»No. « his voice sounded husky and strange. He cleared his throat and tried again, »No, I haven't «

Remus starred at him and blinked eventually. »Okay. «, he sad and turned away quickly. Sirius grabbed a fresh pair of trousers and rushed to the bathroom, trying to hide the erection in his pants.

When he got back to the dormitory, Remus was gone. He went downstairs, but he wasn't there either, only James who told him that Remus had gone back to the bathroom. Sirius followed and found his friend busy with wiping the water up. Without a word Sirius went to help him and soon the floor was more or less dry.

»Well, « Remus broke the silence. » That wasn't too bad was it? «

»Shut up. « Sirius replied, smiling.

They went to Professor McGonagalls' office to tell her that they have finished, but their teacher only laughed. »Well, well. I think it will do no harm if you clear the other toilets as well. «, she said and shut the door.

» _That_ , is not fair. «, Sirius outraged on their way back to the common room.

»I agree with you but I'm afraid there's nothing we could actually do about it. «

The next weekends the two friends spent with cleaning every toilet in the school, _at least Moony is with me,_ Sirius thought for himself. His company was indeed comforting and he found himself looking at his friend rather often and by that time he had given up the attempt to fight back his feelings, he had, as he soon had to admit to himself, a major crush on Remus Lupin.


	12. 12 Remus

**Remus**

The exams were nearly over. Remus, James, Sirius and Peter walked out of the castle and sat down under a tree. Remus began to read, James played with his snitch and Sirius was bored, as he soon declared to his friends. Severus Snape came by and James stood up.

»All right, Snivellus? « said James loudly.

Things got out of hand and soon Snape was hanging with his head upside – down in mid-air. Remus tried very hard to concentrate on the book, however he wasn't able to shut out Lily's voice who was sticking up for her friend. »Let him down! «

»Certainly. «, said James.

Remus still didn't look but a dull _bum_ told him that Snape had fallen down on the grass.

Remus was glad when his friends finally let go of Snape. He knew that he should have tried to stop them but something had held him back. Something always held him back.

He was back in their dormitory when Sirius came in.

»Where's James? «, he asked.

»Looking for Lily. I think he wants to apologise to her. «

Sirius let out a grunt. »Right. As if that would make her go out with him. «. He sat down next to Remus and looked at him.

»What? «, asked Remus.

»I'm bored. «

»You might want to apologise too, you know. To Snape. «

»You're joking, right? Why would I do that? «

»Not in the slightest. It's bullying. «, he gave Sirius a strict look.

»Fine. We _might_ have gone a little too far. I'm sorry, okay? «

»You don't have to apologise to me. «

»To whom am I supposed to do it to then? 'Cause I'm certainly _not_ going to Snape. «

Remus sighed. He had known that it was useless but he had hah to try.

»Anyway. «, changed Sirius the subject. »James and Evans. I just don't understand what he sees in her. I mean, it's been five years now and he still won't give up on her. «

»Well maybe that's because you don't just give up on someone you love. «

»But she doesn't even _like_ him. «

»Liking is always a matter of interpretation. «

Sirius blinked. »What is _that_ supposed to mean? «

Remus blushed. He had talked before thinking about his words.

»I _mean_ that behind a strong aversion is usually a hidden or suppressed attraction. You can only hate someone if you care about them or about what they do. «

»Right. « said Sirius. »I'm still bored though. «

Remus rolled his eyes and groaned but stopped dead when he saw Sirius' smirk. _Oh no!_ He thought. He knew that smirk and it never meant anything good. Slowly, very slowly, Sirius came closer and started tickling Remus. His friend knew exactly what spots he had to touch to make Remus wriggling and giggling. Sirius sat on him, pinning Remus down on the bed with his knees, they were both breathing heavy and Sirius allowed Remus to sit up a bit.

»W – What are you doing? « Remus asked.

Sirius was still on him, moving his face closer and closer to Remus'.

»Interpreting. «, he answered in a husky voice and pressed his lips against Remus'.

Time stood still and the world stopped spinning. It was just him and Sirius and their bodies pressed against each other. He could feel Sirius' hands on his back, slowly making their way down to his hip, could feel his own heart beating fast in his chest. His head was empty, his own hands pulled Sirius closer, onto his lap, their lower bodies rubbing against each other.

Sirius' hands touched his bottom and Remus came back to his senses.


	13. 13 Sirius

**Sirius**

Remus pushed him away and that was when Sirius realised what he's done.

»I'm sorry. «, he heard himself saying and then ran out of the room. He went downstairs to the common room but James was nowhere to be seen. Out on the stairs, passing other students, portraits, teachers but all that seemed to be nothing more than a blurry stream of noise and colours. Sirius found himself standing in front of the castle, the sun was shining down on him, laughing at him. His look wandered to the lake and there he was. James stood by the water, chatting and laughing with a girl. _So she finally gave in,_ he thought. Lily Evans was talking, actually talking, to James and he had only eyes for her. Sirius went past them towards the Forbidden Forest. As soon as he had reached the dark shadows of the trees he changed into Padfoot and as Padfoot he began to ran and ran and ran.

He was deep inside the Forest, much deeper than ever before but he wasn't scared or worried. He would make his way back and if not it wouldn't do any harm.

He thought about Remus. _What have I done?_ He hadn't meant to kiss him; it had just happened. Thinks like that always just happened. Just like his kiss with James had just happened', only this time it had been completely different. His kiss with James had been out of curiosity, he had liked him of course, he still did, but it had never been more than just friendship, a very deep, very close friendship.

With Moony it was different; Moony was just Moony.

It was late when Sirius got back to the dormitory and he was glad to find it empty. He fell onto his bed, closed the curtains and starred at the ceiling. His friends came back but he didn't say anything and they let him be, for they thought he took a little nap.

» - I had that feeling all along. «, James just said in a low voice and the excitement in it told Sirius that he talked about Evans. »She still says she hates me though but it's a start. «

»Congratulation. Really. «, Remus' voice sounded tired and it was clear that he couldn't care less for James' love life at the moment but James didn't even notice.

»She even said that she might write me over the summer. «

»Great. «

Hearing Remus' voice shot little waves of pain through Sirius' body, he felt tears in his eyes and would have loved to start screaming but he stayed quiet and closed his eyes, trying hard to think to something else.

The week passed by, the exams were over and the end of the school year drew nearer and nearer. Remus and Sirius gave their best to act as normal as possible around each other, avoiding each other's eyes and trying not to be alone in the same room. Sirius felt like dying, he couldn't cheer with his friends when they finally walked out of their last O.W.L test and the prospect of returning to 12 Grimmauld Place wasn't exactly making him feel better either.

The last full moon of their fifth year was about to come and Sirius walked down to dinner on his own when he suddenly saw a dark figure standing opposite to him.

»Snivellus. « he said, drawing out his wand.

»Black. «, Snape said, looking at him with loath.

»What do you want? «

»I was just wondering where your friends are. Especially Lupin, he seems a bit like your lap dog, doesn't he? «, Snape smiled wickedly and Sirius rolled his eyes. He really wasn't in the mood that kind of conversation right now.

»Ouch, I must have touched a nerve there. Does it hurt to be separated from your boyfriend? «

»Shut up. «, Sirius said, he felt anger boiling up inside his chest.

»Or maybe, he just realised what a prick you are although I wouldn't expect him to be that smart. «

»I said, shut up! «

»Where does he go all those nights he leaves the school? «, Snape suddenly asked and Sirius startled. How did he know about that, now?

»Well, why don't you find out yourself? «, Sirius said. »Go Snivellus, tonight's your big chance! Go and find out what he's doing! «

And with that he stormed off, not thinking about what he had just said. Only later he realised that telling Snape might have not been so wise and James' reaction when he told him confirmed him in his suspicion.

»You did _what_?! Have you gone _completely_ mad now? « James shouted and ran out of the room. Sirius stayed where he was, it slowly began to dawn on him that he hadn't just put Snape in an extreme danger but most of all Moony. He didn't really know what would happen to him if he bit someone but he wasn't eager to find out either.

Sirius jumped up and ran out of the common room, down the stairs and out of the school towards the Whomping Willow, the moon was high and full and in the distance he could see two people wrestling on the ground. He could hear Moony crying from inside the tunnel under the Whomping Willow, he transformed and ran forward to lead Moony away from the entrance of the tunnel. He could hear James' screams and Snape's swears but he didn't stop to see if they were alright, what was more important now, was to get Moony distracted. He managed to lead him back into the Shrieking Shack but the wolf was furious, he missed his pack and he didn't like the way Padfoot was pushing him around. He gave a new cry and lunged at the dog. Padfoot whimpered and backed away, the wolf attacked him another time but Padfoot was quicker, he ducked and ran out of the Shrieking Shack. Outside he could see James and Snape still lying on the ground; Sirius transformed back and ran towards them. In that moment, Madame Pomfrey, Professor McGonagall, Professor Slughorn and Professor Dumbledore made their way over the grounds. »What happened? Why on earth are you three not in your beds? «, Slughorn shouted.

It took hours to explain what they were doing there. They all sat in the Hospital Wing, each with a cup of hot chocolate and each of them told their side of the story. In the end, Professor Dumbledore looked at them in a rather strange way and said that they had been lucky that nothing worse had happened. None of them got any punishment but they all had to swear that they would not lose a word about the events of that night. They all agreed and were quite happy when they were allowed to return to their dormitories. James and Sirius didn't change a word on their way up to the common room but Sirius could tell that his friend was furious and he couldn't blame him. They changed into their pyjamas and lay down to try to get some sleep.


	14. 14 Remus

**Remus**

He woke up with a major headache. Sunlight forced its way through his closed eyelids and his whole body hurt.

Something had gone wrong last night. He remembered that Madame Pomfrey had brought him to the Shrieking Shack as usual and there he had waited for his friends to come. He had waited and waited, Moony had gotten quite uneasy so he had paced the room up and down and then he had heard the voices. Someone had been at the other end of the tunnel shouting and screaming. Without thinking Remus had left the Shrieking Shack to see what was going on, he had just arrived at the entrance when the transformation had begun. The last think he remembered where two dark shades lying on the floor and a huge dog running towards the Whomping Willow.

Now he lay in a bed in the Hospital Wing. He heard people talking to each other in low voices.

» - not tell him yet. It was great luck that nothing has actually happened but it could have. «, that was James.

Remus recognised Peter, »He's okay, though, isn't he? «

»Madame Pomfrey says that he's going to be fine, yeah. «

Remus opened his eyes. His two best friends, James and Peter, sat next to his bed. Peter gasped when he saw that Remus was awake. »Moony. «

James leaned forward and smiled. »Hey Moons. How are you feeling? «

»Like I've been run over by the Hogwarts Express. «, he muttered.

»Here, have some chocolate. «

Remus took the chocolate bar and started eating. It was really fascinating what effect chocolate had on him; at once he could feel the weariness lessen.

»What happened? «, he asked and James smile vanished.

»Er. Remus…I don't think that we should talk about that now - «

»What happened? «, he asked again. »I remember people in front of the Whomping Willow and Padfoot was there, I think. «

»That's right. «, James admitted reluctantly. »I was there too and…and Snape. «

»Snape?! «

»Look, I really don't think - «

»What on _earth,_ was Snape doing there? Hang on…was that you on the floor? With him? Have you been fighting? «, only now he saw James' black eye. His friend nodded.

»He…he knew that you would go out…«

»How could he possibly know that? Did he…I mean does he know? «

James nodded again and Remus swallowed. Snape of all people…

»He had to swear to Dumbledore that he won't tell anyone. «

»How did he know? «

James and Peter exchanged looks.

»Someone told him. «

Remus could practically feel how his face went pale.

»Who? «

»Moony please, you gotta - «

» _Who?_ «

James looked at him almost painfully.

»Sirius. «, he whispered.

Sirius? Remus felt like crying. Why? After all that had happened between them…


	15. 15 Sirius

**Sirius**

Sirius stayed in bed all day, or at least he would have if James hadn't come in.

»Look if you wanna lecture me because I've made a terrible mistake; spare your breath, cause I'm perfectly able to do that on my own! «, he snapped immediately without giving James any chance to even open his mouth.

»Actually. « James began. »I'm here to bring you this. «. He threw a little bag on Sirius' bed, filled with food. »Thought you might need it. «

»Thanks. « Sirius said sheepish. »Have you seen Remus? «

»He's gonna be okay. He's awake. «

Sirius looked up.

»But I don't think you should see him now. «, James added quickly.

»But I have to. I have to apologise. «, Sirius said and got up to leave the room.

»Sirius really it is not wise for you to - «

»Fuck wise, I want to see my friend, now. «

And with these words Sirius rushed out of the Common Room to the Hospital Wing, a swearing James right behind. Sirius stopped dead as he reached the door of the Hospital Wing, he suddenly doubted if it had really been such a good idea to come. He just thought of leaving again as the door swung open.

»Black. «, Liliy Evans stood there and looked at him despitefully but Sirius paid no attention to her but to Remus who sat upright in his bed, his eyes fixed on Sirius.

»Moony, please…I'm so, so sorry. « he said after shutting the door behind Lily.

»Yeah. You're always sorry. «, said Remus, his eyes glowed from anger. »What a pity though that 'sorry' doesn't quite cut it this time. «

»I know, I - «

»No Sirius! You don't get, do you? Do you realise, I mean do you _actually_ realise, what you have done? What could have happened? I could have killed him! «

»I – I know. I'm sorry, I didn't think- «

»Of course you didn't! «, Remus shouted. »Because you never think, do you Sirius? No, you just do whatever you want, whenever you want and you don't think _once_ about how that might make other people feel! «.

Sirius had the strange feeling that this wasn't about Snape anymore but about everything else that was between them, or had been.

»I'm sorry. « he apologised again but Remus just shook his head.

»I trusted you. «, he could see tears in Remus' eyes. »Go. Just go. «

Sirius nodded and went out without looking at one of his friends. He was sure that they had realised as well that there was more to it than just Sirius' stupidity and he really wasn't in the mood to explain anything to anyone right now. Instead he went back to their dormitory and fell onto his bed and as he lay there he felt tears streaming down his face.

A few days later they all sat together in the Hogwarts Express on their way home. After the scene at the Hospital Wing Remus hadn't changed one word with Sirius and he was even kind of glad about that because he felt that even if Remus did talk to him he wouldn't have anything nice to say. It was an unpleasant, awkward journey and Sirius had never been happier about seeing King's Cross Station.

When he and his brother arrived at 12 Grimmauld Place the house was empty except for Kreacher who told them that their parents would be back soon. The next hours Sirius spent with looking at all the photos he had and every time he came around one that showed Remus, he felt a painful sting in his stomach. Eventually the front door opened and Sirius could hear many feet walking through the hallway. Sirius groaned. Every so often, his mother invited her brother to their house for dinner, apparently today was one of those occasions. His uncle Cygnus and his wife Druella as well as their two daughters Bellatrix and Narcissa were model members of the Black family. It turned out that Bellatrix had brought her husband, Rudolphus Lestrange along and Narcissa introduced a pale, blonde young man named Lucius Malfoy as her boyfriend. They all sat at the dinner table and Druella just told her sister – in - law about the latest gossip within the family when Bellatrix gave Sirius a nasty grin.

»Speaking of gossip, «, she raised her voice. »A friend of mine who still goes to the Hogwarts School had some very interesting story for me. Aunt Walburga, did you know about your son's latest romances? «

Both Regulus and Sirius nearly choked on their piece of pie while their mother gave them a disapproving look and then turned to Bellatrix, frowning.

»Which one my dear? I am sure Regulus must be popular among the girls, he's such a handsome boy, don't you think? «

»Clearly, I have no doubts about that but I was talking about your other son. «

Sirius was aware that everyone was now starring at him, while he tried to stay calm and pretend like he didn't know what his cousin was talking about.

»Sirius? «, Walburga asked surprised, then she broke out in shrill laugher.

»Yes indeed. Didn't you know that he's been dating boys? «

Now it was on Walborga to choke on her meal.

»What did you say? «, her voice was nothing more than a whisper but she might as well have screamed, they all winced at the sound of her anger; except Bellatrix who seemed to find the whole situation amusing.

»You heard. «, she simply said.

Walburgas look was now fixed on her son and he held it, he wasn't sure whether his hate for his mother or for his cousin was greater at the moment but it was clear that the time had come for him to finally leave Grimmauld Place.

»Sirius, do you have got anything to say to that? Surely, you are usually not in such a loss for words. « she said coldly and Sirius found himself laughing.

»I am not in loss for words, it is just too good to see your shocked faces. Do _you_ have got anything to say to that? «

»Out. «

»With pleasure. «

»Mum, please - «

»Stay out of this Regulus! Your brother is leaving now, his little friends of Mudbloods and Blood traitors have poisoned his mind, I'm afraid. As to you Sirius, « she turned again towards her son, »Don't you dare to come back here. «

»Don't worry about that, _mother_ , «, he spat the word as if it was something bitter he had to get rid of. »I'm not intending to do so. «

And with those words he walked upstairs, grabbed his trunk which was still packed and left. He ran through the dark streets, hours and hours, not knowing where to go until he found himself in a very familiar place; without even taking notice he had gone to James' home. It was the middle of the night, nevertheless Sirius rang the bell, to his surprise Euphemia Potter opened almost immediately.

»Sirius? What – Is everything okay? «, she asked concerned and Sirius broke down. Tears ran down his face and it was hard to talk at all, for he wasn't sure his voice would work.

»I – I- «, he stammered. »I didn't know where else to go. «

He didn't need to say anything else, Euphemia jumped forward and pulled him into her arms.

»Shh. It's okay, son. It's okay. «, she whispered and led him inside.

»Mum? «, James shouted from upstairs. »Is everything okay? I heard the bell - «. He paused. James stood on the bottom landing and starred at his best friend. »Sirius? What - «

»James, love, would you put the cattle on please? «, Euphemia interrupted her son.

»Sure. «

»Euphemia, what's going on? «James' dad Fleamont came now downstairs as well and looked surprised and shocked when he saw Sirius, sitting in the living room. James came back with a pot of tea and sat down next to Sirius.

»Jesus, mate, what happened? «, he asked and his face reflected utter concern. James' parents joint them on the sofa, silent. Sirius knew that he had to explain why he showed up on their doorstep in the middle of the night but he couldn't, not now; his tears had just ran dry and he had managed to calm down a bit.

»Chucked me out. «, was all he could say and he was glad that he didn't start crying again. He hated crying, especially in front of James.

»You can stay here as long as you want. « said Fleamont.

James' parents knew of the problems Sirius had at home and he was grateful that they didn't expect further explanations, not now anyway. James brought his friend upstairs to his room, where an additional mattress was already laid out.

»Thanks. «, muttered Sirius as he lay down and almost immediately he fell asleep.


	16. 16 Remus

**Remus**

It was about 5 a.m. in the morning and still dark outside when the owl knocked against his window; still drowsy Remus got up and staggered forward to let it in. He opened the letter and recognised James' handwriting but he needed three attempts until he actually understood what was written on the sheet.

 _Hey Moony,_

 _sorry to disturb you this early in the morning._

 _Sirius showed up here last night, he's been chucked out and devastated. I know that you're pissed at him but, really, he needs you. Now more than ever._

 _Please think about it and come as soon as possible._

 _James_

The letter must have been written in haste because the handwriting was very scrawly and hard to make out but somehow Remus managed. He read it at least ten times and the more often he read it the less sense it seemed to make. Everything became blurry, he couldn't think properly.

 _Sirius_.

That was all.

 _Sirius_.

Over and over again. He forgot that he was supposed to be angry, that he had even tried to hate him.

 _Sirius needs help._

Without much thinking he got dressed, wrote a note to his parents and left the house.


	17. 17 Sirius

**Sirius**

Sirius opened his eyes. It was still early but he felt strangely relaxed.

»Morning. «, James sat on a chair next to him and watched him.

»Morning Prongs. «

»How do you feel? «

»Splendid. Except maybe for the fact that I've just lost my family and my home. «, Sirius replied bitterly.

»Your friends are your family. «, said James. »Gryffindor. And Hogwarts is your home. «

»I know. I mean it's not like I wanted to stay there anyway it's just…I would have liked to do it my way. «

James nodded as a sign that he understood.

»Do you wanna tell me what happened? «, he asked and Sirius told him. It felt good to talk about it and James was a good listener. When Sirius had finished, James smiled at him.

»It's gonna be okay. You heard what dad said last night, you can stay here as long as you want. «

»Thank you. «

»I sent a letter to Moony. « he suddenly said and Sirius blood ran cold.

» _What?!_ « he asked, now wide awake. »What'd you do that for? «

»I thought he ought to know. He's your friend, Sirius. Even though you two don't get along so well lately. «, James said in a calm voice. »I'm not gonna ask you what happened. I've got an idea but, who knows, maybe I've got it all wrong. You both have been acting really strange lately. «

Sirius looked at his friend but chose to say nothing. He had the suspicion that James knew pretty well what had happened and it didn't ease him at all.

»It's nothing. He just hates me, that's all. «

»It is certainly not nothing. You might have not realised it but you've been really protective over Moony the last months. And he doesn't hate you. He just doesn't understand why you did what you did; which is for me as well, you know. «

» You should have seen Snape, strutting through the castle all high and mighty. He said really nasty things about Moony, I just lost it. «

»Pads, he says really nasty things about all of us, all the time. You never cared before, let alone tried to kill him. «

»I didn't try to - «

»I know. But you could have. Look, like I said I don't want to imply anything but…Sirius…is there something going on between you and Moony? «, James looked at him rather uneasy, even scared like he half expected Sirius to explode. Sirius, however, avoided his friend's eyes and concentrated on the trees outside the window.

»I don't know. « he said eventually.

»You know that I don't have a problem with that, right? «

»I suppose. «

»But…well…whatever you do, please don't hurt him. «

»What? «, Sirius turned his head to James and looked at him in disbelief. »I would never - «

»I know that you would never deliberately hurt him. It's just, well, sometimes you tend to be a bit…reckless. «

»Reckless? «, Sirius repeated.

»Yes, reckless. «

»Says the boy that hexes the best friend of the girl of his dreams? «

»Right, I do admit that that wasn't precisely one of my brightest moments - «

»That's modest. «

»But, I did apologise, didn't I? And, and that's the main thing, it got her to finally talk to me because she was so impressed with my empathy. «

Sirius grunted. »Yeah, right. «

James opened his mouth to reply something but in that very moment the bell rang.

James frowned. »Who might that be? «, he asked and only seconds later his mum called him downstairs.


	18. 18 Remus

**Remus**

Remus stood on the pavement, it was raining but he couldn't go any further. He had come as fast as he could but now he doubted, if it had been really such a good idea. Nevertheless, he couldn't stand there all day.

He rang the bell and Mrs. Potter opened the door, she seemed not at all surprised to see Remus and called for her son. »James! You've got a visitor! «

James came down and he, unlike his mother, did look surprised to see him.

»Moony? What are you doing here? Wait, actually, don't answer that, I know what you are doing here, I just didn't expect you so early. «

»I got your letter and left immediately. «, Remus explained and felt stupid. It was so totally unlike him to do anything 'immediately', unless it was homework or learning. He was usually always the predictable and reasonable one.

They went upstairs and Remus felt nervous; he had no doubts anymore: It had been incredibly stupid to come here.

»Hi, Pads. «

»Hi, Moons. «

There was an awkward silence in which both Sirius and Remus tried to look everywhere except at each other.

»Right. «, said James suddenly. »Whatever it is with you two, sort it out. «. And with that he left the room and closed the door.

»I'm sorry Remus. «, said Sirius after some more time of silence. Remus shook his head.

»I shouldn't have come here. «

»Why did you come? «

»That's a good question, I don't bloody know. James said you might need help. «

»Okay, you know what? James's right; this is stupid! What is your problem? I said I was sorry about Snape. I shouldn't have done it but I can't change it anymore, can I? «

»My problem? Right now, that is you, Sirius! Do you really believe that this is all about Snape? «

»Well, what is it then about? «

»You kissed me, remember? «

»Yes, Remus, I do. I was there, too! «

»Don't you have anything to say about that? Are we just going to pretend like it never happened? «

»I could ask you the same question. What do you want me to say? Because _I_ had the impression that _you_ didn't want to talk about it! «

»Because I knew what you would say! Because I didn't want to hear it! But go on, just say it already! You've made a mistake, you are sorry and it won't happen again. You were just bored and I happened to be there. «

Sirius started, he stood there, motionless and just looked at Remus. Finally, he opened his mouth.

»Really, Remus? Is that really what you think of me? «, his voice was low, not more than a whisper but Remus heard every word.

»Well, is it wrong? «, he asked. He felt anger and disappointment and although he knew that he was being unfair he didn't care. Not really.

»Fuck you, Remus! «, Sirius shouted and Remus could see pain in his eyes. What was happening here? He rushed out, tears in his eyes and nearly ran over James who came to check on them.

»What ha – Remus? «.

But Remus just went past him.

»What have you done this time? «, he could hear James saying.

Sirius answered, »Why does it always have to be me? «.

A door was slammed and Remus could hear James swearing. Footsteps hurried behind him down the stairs and suddenly James held him back.

»Wait, Moony what happened? «

»Nothing. «

»Nothing? Is this what you call nothing? Merlin, you're even worse than Sirius. «

»I don't want to talk about it. «

»Fine, don't talk then but at least listen to me. «

Remus nodded and they went to the kitchen. Remus now saw that James' parents had gone out.

»I can't believe that I'm doing this. It's usually you that talks some sense into us. «, James said and Remus could feel the corner of his mouth twitching.

»Look, Moony, I already said this to Sirius. I don't know what happened between you two but I have an idea and I think that it is pretty accurate; something definitely did happen. He cares about you, Remus. «

»He kissed me. « Remus didn't know why he had said that but it felt good. James gave him an encouraging smile but he said nothing.

»He kissed me and I freaked out. «

»Why? «

»Because - «, Remus hesitated. It was hard to say it, since he couldn't even admit it to himself properly. »Because I really liked it. «. It was out and he couldn't take it back.

»So? «

»So? Don't you get it? I'm not supposed to…I can't be…It's just wrong. «

»But you never had a problem with Sirius, did you? «

»Of course not. Sirius is just, well, he's just Sirius. «

»And you're just Remus. There's nothing wrong with you. Not with being a werewolf, neither with enjoying to kiss boys. «, he could feel James' hand on his shoulder and allowed his friend to pull him into a hug.

»I should go now. «, he said, freeing himself from James' grip and went outside into the rain.


	19. 19 Sirius

**Sirius**

Sirius had paced up and down James' bedroom trying to ignore the noise in his head. It had hurt. It had really and truly hurt to hear what Remus thought of him. _I'm not like that!_ He had thought. But, wasn't he, really? He had thought about all those little affairs and one – night stands he had had, none of them had meant something. Remus had a point, when he said that Sirius just used the people that happened to be there. But this was different, Remus had not just _been there_. You don't kiss your friends because you are bored.

It had taken Sirius quite some time to understand what it was but when he finally had, he had been sure that it wasn't just some stupid crush. And if he let Remus go now, it would be too late.

»Moony, wait! «, Sirius followed Remus outside and he was glad that the other boy stopped, although he did not turn around. Sirius bit his lower lip, _I can do this,_ he told himself.

» I'm not sorry about kissing you. I don't think it was a mistake and I would do it again, if you let me. «

He felt naked, exposed, as he stood on the rain and looked at his friend's back. Remus still gave no sign of turning around, Sirius stepped closer and closer until he was directly behind him.

»Look at me, Moony. «, he whispered.

Finally, Remus moved. They stood there on the pavement, the rain was pattering down on them and once again the time seemed to stand still.

Sirius could see every detail in Remus' face, every eyelash, every pore. A single raindrop ran dawn his nose and stopped at his lower lip; Sirius raised his hand, unsure of what he was doing, and touched it. The raindrop was gone but his hand reminded. Remus didn't pull away but Sirius could feel his heart beating faster; he stroked Remus' cheek, his eyes fixed on Remus' and slowly, very slowly, he moved his face closer Remus', he could hear his own breath going fast, could feel his own heart rushing in his chest.

Their lips met. It was a shy kiss, full of insecurities and fear but Remus didn't push him back. Sirius' could feel the other boy's hands on his back, slowly pulling him closer. A wave of warmth rushed through his body, their kiss became passionately, jet tenderly. Sirius pulled back.

»Moony, I - «, but Remus lay a finger on his lips to shut him up.

»Don't talk. Not now. «

They kissed again, long and intense and Sirius wished that they would never have to stop.

* * *

I've written a sequel to this fic, called 'We Used To Be Invincible'


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